SPECIFIC ASSERTIVENESS SKILLS

I - YOU MESSAGES

Express your needs/desires from a personal perspective rather than tell the other person what to do. For example, "I want us to practice safer sex . . . and I have a condom with me" rather than "You need to use protection before you can have sex with me".

Take ownership for your own feelings, values, and needs. "I feel . . . " or "I would like us to . . . " rather than pointing the finger through a "you" message.

BROKEN-RECORD TECHNIQUE

This technique enables you to hold your ground and not compromise your values and needs. It teaches you to stick to your point without being swayed by manipulative logic, evasion of responsibility, or statements meant to make you feel guilty or stupid. It helps you to reach your goal or a reasonable compromise.

In conflict situations, you need to remain calm and relaxed enough to stick to your point. Some people will try their best to get you to give up by using a variety of ploys: "Condoms make me lose all sensitivity"; "just once won't matter"; "you're on the Pill"; "I don't have a disease"; "I'll pull out". These ploys are meant to make you feel responsible for the problems or feel wrong in your judgment. Usually the manipulator tries the old "pass-the-buck" routine to avoid responsibility, or explains why you can't do what you want. Since we are all brought up to listen and be polite, we tend to get caught up in the words and can be swayed from our purpose. If you remember your assertive rights, you don't need to offer excuses for your behavior or justify why you are doing something. To let people know that nothing they say will make you go away without getting what you came for, the broken record is very effective.

Decide what your goal is. Say, for example, you want to have safer sex with your partner. Put your request into one or two sentences and keep repeating those sentences over and over, ignoring all ploys and side issues brought up by a manipulative partner. Concentrate on your sentences and keep saying them in a calm, repetitive voice until you get what you want or get an acceptable compromise. Usually, after three or four ploys have failed, the other person realizes he or she must deal with you and gives up.

EXAMPLE:
A: I don't like condoms, they ruin my sensitivity.
B: Yes, I'm sure they can, but I want to use one if we have intercourse.

A: I can't keep an erection if I use a condom.
B: Maybe it would help if I put it on . . . but we don't have to have intercourse if you don't want to wear one.

A: I want to have sex right now . . . see how ready I am . . . just this time without a condom won't matter.
B: I want to have intercourse, too, but I want us to use a condom if we do.

NON ASSERTION (Martyr)

Leaves self out by not expressing needs or feelings or by denying or letting others violate his or her rights.

Why?: To avoid unpleasantness or conflict.

Results: Needs aren't met; frustration, disappointment, and low self-esteem.

Verbal Cues: rambling, beating around the bush, over apologizing, not saying what he or she really feels.

Nonverbal Cues: slouched posture; downcast, averted, or tearful eyes; sticky or cold hands; nervous gestures; soft, weak, pleading, or unsteady voice; overall demeanor says, "take care of me."

AGGRESSION (Persecutor)

Leaves out other's rights, feelings, and needs. Acts against others by getting what he or she wants by dominating, manipulating, and humiliating others.

Why?: To reach immediate goals, to express anger.

Results: Accomplishes short-term goals but alienates others, ends up lonely and bitter.

Verbal Cues: blaming or accusing others; displays sarcasm, an air of superiority.

Nonverbal Cues: makes shows of strength; has a loud or brittle voice; a cold, detached look; rigid or haughty posture; jerky, dominating gestures like finger-pointing, table-pounding; intrudes into others' space.

ASSERTION (Balanced Communicator)

Speaks up for self appropriately while considering the needs, wishes, and rights of others. Practices open, honest, two-way communication.

Why?: To communicate effectively, feel good about self; to get needs met.

Results: May not reach short-range goals, may compromise or go for alternatives, usually reaches long-term goals, has healthy relationships, and feels good about self for being open and honest with others.

Verbal Cues: clear, direct, honest statement of feelings; use of "I" messages.

Nonverbal Cues: listens well to others; upright posture; speaks in a relaxed, well modulated voice; maintains good eye contact.